It's time to begin another season of Oxygen's "Bad Girls Club," a smash social experiment slash reality show if there ever was one. This year we're returning to Miami, where we were last left in the midst of an insane limo fight at the end of season 5, and more crazy antics are sure to ensue this time around. And by crazy, I mean recycled.
As the franchise plods on and the producers grasp at new ways to stir conflict, we can always expect our tired but true formula of scandals that the producers have wisely decided to brand as iconic BGC moments: mattresses thrown in the pool, girls getting "kicked out," girls claiming to "run the house," fights over food and and, of course, an army of replacement girls. Word is that this season, there will be many, likely far more interesting and beloved by fans than the original seven.
So let's begin!
We open "somewhere in Miami," of course, are greeted with a montage of liquor, girls in tight dresses, city lights and of course, the fabulous and iconic Bad Girls Club mansion, because that's all we and the Bad Girls will ever really get to see the city as.
As per usual, it's a flash-forward in time, a big banger opening that usually involves a blow-out fight before some variation of "five weeks earlier" flashes across the screen.
This year, the house is ganging up on one of the roomies, getting in her face and telling her she has to go home. Girls pour drinks on her, yell in her face and generally antagonize her until, as Tanisha Thomas would say, she "pops off" and hits back. We're in a frenzied multi-camera mess of weaves and fists flying (albeit very few), before the "Bad Girls Club" logo is blown up and we're sent back "three weeks earlier." Well, that was underwhelming.
Riding in an orange sports car down the sun-soaked streets, we meet our first girl, Tiana, who tells us she's like the "bogey man," and once you cross her path, she's coming to get you. She's a feisty 21-year old from Harlem who endured a rough childhood that helped make her stronger. Tiana is the first one to the Miami-themed mansion, the usual over-the-top girly liquor-bubblegum palace of steroids, and she seems pretty enthusiastic, though her traipsing through the house for a quick tour doesn't last as long as it did on previous seasons. Guess they're packing in a lot this episode.
Tiana says she can't wait to meet the rest of the girls, and to be frank I can't either, because she's pretty dull so far.
Now it's time to meet Tess, 21 and from Kentucky, who sports tattoos, a nose ring and a mullet-like black hairstyle with voluminous bangs that hang over her forehead. Tess is under the impression that she has "mad haters," as they all seem to, and we get a glimpse of some of her naked photos showing off her svelte, ink-covered body.
Cue the adjacent sob story, which seems to be mandatory this year. Tess was in a serious motorcycle accident this past June and almost died. It's pretty terrifying to see her scars and injuries up-close via home footage, but as she assures us, nothing scares her anymore.
Next up is big-boob, big-butt blonde Sarah, 27 and from Georgia, who tells us she's the "black girl in charge" and the b***y and crazy girl all in one. And yes, we're introduced to her with a shot of her ass. In her audition footage, we get a glimpse of her massive bodyguard that she explains is necessary because so many girls apparently loathe her. When I heard her say that she's self-employed, I already know what she was getting at, and hey, more power to her. She models naked, she's blunt, and she's got a raspy voice and a southern twang, though the "black girl in charge" comment they chose for her opening talking head was suspicious.
Sarah meets Tess, who is instantly turned off by her bumbling bodyguard. The editors amp up the pre-drama by making it look like Tess is laughing at her in her in her talking head scenes, but as always, I'm skeptical, and as Sarah more or less says, you never know how things will turn out when first impressions are over.
Lounging by the pool in a pair of stilettos is 24-year old Milyn from L.A., who rose to relative prominence (who is she, again?) by hooking up with bad boy pop star Justin Bieber. She says her sexuality is open, shows off her tongue ring, blows kisses at the camera, and already she reminds me of star-chasing instigator Natalie Nunn (season 4), and it's not exactly a bad thing.
Speaking of former cast-mates, the next girl is giving me serious Lia Lorraine (season 5) vibes, all black-haired, cheek-pierced, pretty and covered in crazy tattoos. She's Teresa, 22 and from Ohio, known as the "inked queen," and most of her tattoos are meaningful to her. She seems pretty sweet until she mentions that when you say her name back home, you'll see some crazy s***t go down.
To my delight, Lia...er, Teresa and Milyn (or "Mimi," as she goes by) meet up, and Mimi immediately goes to grabbing her boobs and feeling her up. As you do.
Teresa doesn't seem to warm up to her quickly, as Mimi is apparently quite the talker, though worse things have been said during BGC first impressions.
Next up we get a casting tape montage of Mimi name-dropping like no other, claiming to have slept with Rob Kardashian ("worst sex ever") and without smarmy yet subtle self-awareness of Natalie Nunn. As it turns out, the two are good friends off the show! (Spin-off please?)
Bored alone in the house, Tiana (who is giving me serious Erika Jordan from season 9 vibes), is getting drunk and evaluating the photos of the girls plastered on the walls. Sarah and Tess arrive and we get some more shots of the insane mansion they're about to completely and utterly destroy over the next few months.
All three size each other up and decide to room together. Hmmm, this won't end well.
Twenty-one year old Stephanie from Connecticut is really reminding me of Angie Castillo (season 7), a sultry Colombian and Peurto Rican siren who tells us her first relationship was with a girl, whom she cheated on with a guy. Heh.
Wearing an adorable black zipper-dress (I think I have the same one from Forever 21), Stephanie immediately bonds with Mimi over being bisexual, and Teresa likes her a lot already. The three pop bottles on the yacht and ride off to the house.
It's all screams and hugs and smiles when they all meet for the first time, and of course the seventh girl hasn't arrived yet. I see you stirring s**t, Oxygen.
Mimi and Stephanie room up and Teresa decides to room with the seventh mystery girl, whom Sarah immediately points out as the "black girl" before throwing out some questionable racial comments. This won't be good. Racism is definitely never tolerated in the BGC house.
Jazmone is the final roommate, a gorgeous, leggy 22-year old from L.A. who clearly models. She says she loves being around beautiful people, minds included, dances in front of a red sports car in a pair of galaxy leggings, and I think I'm falling in love.
The girls ambush her with hugs and screams and Tiana is instantly enamored before Sarah lets stupid comment no. 3 slip, "So she's definitely not a man."
Oh yeah, and transphobia doesn't do well in this house either, as the girls all immediately WTF and Jazmone bristles.
Tess and Teresa start opening up to each other outside, and it's nice, until Sarah barges in, getting annoyed that they're "in the corner smoking cigarettes being depressed and stuff." Oh boy.
Back inside, Mimi and Stephanie discuss Sarah's racist behavior and how it makes them uncomfortable, which is when Mimi slyly brings it back to her alleged hook-up with Bieber, explaining that the media labels her as his "black girlfriend," which she dislikes because she's of mixed race. Keep that in mind for later.
The girls toast to a good time together, and as they all seem to be getting along, there goes Sarah again: "I like her 'cause I like gothic people!" pointing to Tess and/or Teresa, who are, in fairness, relatively interchangeable so far.
Turns out, they don't like this, especially Teresa, who calls her out over immediately defining her. I knew these three rooming together would be a bad idea.
The girls talk about the "gothic" thing while doing their make-up, though Sarah doesn't seem to get it. "When I think of gothic, I think of like, cutting people," Tess says. Oh girl. She suggests they UrbanDictionary it.
Tiana tells everyone to stop being annoying (more or less, though she puts it more eloquently) and hung up about this "gothic" comment, while Sarah continues to push her luck by over-talking and refusing to let it slide.
Mimi stands up and breaks the ice by announcing its time to get in the limo and go party (finally!)
Tess and Teresa aren't coming, claiming exhaustion, and pale-as-hell Teresa cites a sunburn. The girls are pissed but head out without much else to say.
We get a night-out in Miami montage, set to some obscure pop song Oxygen wants to promote, watching the girls drink it down, make out and grind on each other in the club. It's typical BGC fare, and it doesn't last too long, as the editing in the first episode is always quite frenetic and moves too fast.
Back at home, Teresa and Tess mock the girls for their chastisement of them not wanting to go out on the first night. Tess talks about her motorcycle wreck and how the BGC is her "wake-up call" to stop being so crazy and grow up. Seeing as though that was the whole point of the show originally, for bad girls to change and learn through this experience, it's a nice call-back to the sentiments of the first few seasons that got lost and muddled along the way as the show gained popularity.
Back at the club, Sarah continues to stir s**t, trash-talking Tess and instigating the girls to help get her to leave. Stephanie agrees, calling her a Debbie-downer, and by the time they're all in the limo, they're all co-signing.
At home, Tess calls her mom while Teresa sits in the room, Tess complaining about the girls and calling the experience "jail." She threatens to leave, which upsets Teresa a bit, though she doesn't see it's worth it to argue since they're not exactly best friends yet.
Frankly, I don't care if Tess leaves or not, as watching her b***h and moan about the lack of privacy on a reality show she willingly signed up for is pretty lame.
So Tess is leaving. OK then. The rest of the girls come home, all f***ed up of course, and Tess tells Tiana that she's going home. Tiana talking-heads that it's a good thing she kicked herself out, as they were going to do it anyway. Heh.
Tess explains to the girls that her grandmother just died less than two weeks ago and she feels like her family needs her. Hmm, not exactly the sentiment I heard from her mom on the phone, who was scolding her for considering quitting...
Stephanie is annoyed that Tess made no effort to meet anyone or even settle in for more than two hours and before just deciding to up and quit. Tess packs up her stuff and leaves peacefully as the girls complain about how she wasted the coveted BGC cast spot. Well, that went better than expected.
The next morning everyone is pretty hung-over, though they all seemed to have enjoyed themselves last night. Stephanie doesn't remember that Tess left, and barely remembers who she was until her roommate reminds her, which is pretty funny.
Out by the pool, Sarah and Mimi hang out with Tiana. Mimi says she wants the sun to come out so she can tan, and Sarah (oh Sarah) makes some weird comment about "the ones" that date white boys always wanting to "tan and do white girl stuff," to which, through gritted teeth and a forcibly playful tone, Mimi corrects her that she's of mixed race, and that includes white.
"Are you trying to get beat up on the first day?" Mimi talking-heads of Sarah, clearly being rhetorical.
The girls then get out their cleavage and head over to a bar, hoping for free food at their meal that's somewhere between a very late lunch and dinner, during which Tiana concludes that Sarah doesn't think before she speaks, which isn't sitting too well with her.
The editors doctor their first goofy montage called "The Cautionary Tale of Loose Lips," a faux-silent instructional film featuring Sarah "blah blah blah"-ing in black and white. Mimi accuses her of rambling. OK, we get it.
Back at the house, the girls talk about how eventually, someone will slip up and get the house turned against them. Mimi and Tiana caution Sarah to watch her mouth, and while they're mostly joking, there is some menace behind it.
And then.
"You can't be saying the n-word 'cause you're a white b***h," Sarah says, to Mimi, and Mimi gasps. The girls are in shock. How could someone, in a room full of black women no less, say something so profoundly stupid?
The girls let it slide, for now, but you can tell the tensions are mounting. Tiana phones her friend and complains about Sarah, who is starting to get on her nerves.
The last ten minutes of the episode feature the "big blow-out", which comes fairly late in the game, all things considered.
Everyone's getting along, but the girls are biding their time until someone says something or does something or...can't they all just party and enjoy? Are the producers poking at them, or is it a self-fulfilling prophecy kind of situation?
That night, everyone gets dolled up and head to a local club that Oxygen shamelessly promotes. Everything is going well until Mimi starts telling Teresa to tip the strippers. Jaz says she left her money at home. Uh-oh. Money woes and BGC never mix.
Wrecked beyond belief, the girls scramble to get into their cabs, and it's then that Mimi, who is feeling a bit bored from the lack of drama, decides to get the ball rolling and turn the girls against Sarah once and for all. It's been building up all episode, and though it's been a fairly slow burn, the editors did a fairly decent job of showing why Mimi decides to target the house Barbie.
Inside the limo, Mimi drunkenly accuses Sarah of being disloyal for complaining about spotting Jaz for the club bill ,and Tiana decides to say something to her when they get home.
BGC mansion. As Jaz pukes in the toilet, Tiana confronts Sarah about the money situation, telling her she was "corny" for not eagerly spotting Sarah, and Mimi laughs hysterically on the sidelines, having instigated the whole she-bang.
Sarah and Tiana get into it, all drunken words and defenses slowly turning to threats, building and building to a push, and then there's the fight the producers have surely been twiddling their thumbs for.
It's a pretty stupid fight, all things considered, and really just an excuse for the girls to release their pent-up anger at Sarah. Mimi is grinning like crazy while Tiana gets increasingly aggressive, and hey, like she said before, Sarah is willing to scrap.
As the girls watch, Tiana and Sarah start the standard hair-pulling, wrestling and slapping. And then, well, that's it.
For a first episode, this was one of the most contrived. BGC has been on the air for years, and I have lovingly and loyally watched each and every episode, (many of which multiple times), but this season feels especially rushed so far.
The best episodes of BGC come from the natural antics between the girls, the funny situations, their crazy personalities and even their friendships, and I wish the producers would realize this. Yes, the catfights make for great promo footage, and they definitely can be edited to appear more intense, but ultimately, if there's no reason for them, if they simply are a result of pent-up boredom mixed with frustration, they don't have the same pay-off.
Season 4, for example, worked so well because the fights felt so real. Natalie was a natural instigator, hilarious, wacky and somehow totally aware of her own weirdness. Flo and Amber's fight worked because the tension was real and true, because it grew over the course of several weeks, and it amounted to a dramatic shift in the house alliances.
All I'm saying is, you've got a cast full of wild personalities already (none of which are stand-out stars so far), why not let things progress more fluidly? This show is always at its best when its funny, and it can be truly hilarious. So far, though, I'm a bit bored, as I've seen this episode a thousand times before, and the producers are pretty content with the formula.
NEXT WEEK: More drama between the girls and Sarah, the conclusion of the "big fight," more drinking, limo rides, a trip abroad, and of course, crying, fighting and tension. I'll watch it so you don't have to, and I'll tell you all about it.
The producers promise an "intense season." I guess we'll see...
All gifs courtesy of Bad Girls Club GIFs via Tumblr.
