Football is back, baby! Well, sort of. HBO's "Hard Knocks" returned last night for its tenth season to detail the training camp of the Houston Texans and provide fans an exclusive preview for the upcoming season. That's good enough for me as I continue to struggle with NFL withdrawal.
Instead of a straight plot point recap a la "Game of Thrones" or "True Detective," I thought we'd have a little fun with "Hard Knocks." So welcome to the first ever edition of the "Hard Knocks" Power Rankings.
Shall we begin?
Best Narrator
As Liev Schreiber's silky smooth voice began to gently massage my ear holes last night, I started thinking about the best narrators in the game. Here's what I came up with.
The defense rests.
He's Darth Vader and Mufasa. He's an Academy Award winning actor. Plus, he was in "The Sandlot." I could listen to this guy dictate the ingredients in my shampoo bottle.
Because no narrator power rankings would be complete without a classy British dude, am I right?
Best Bill O'Brien F-Bombs
There's a reason why former Atlanta Falcons head coach Mike Smith was the least interesting person on "Hard Knocks" last year. Dude is a bore. This is America: we want fire and brimstone and BOB delivered those in spades right from the get go last night. But which of his many, many F-Bombs resonated the most?
1. "When you f------ guys show up to practice tomorrow, they better be ready to f------ go."
Like a defensive end firing out of his stance at the snap, O'Brien wasted no time throwing his feisty passion around. Started the episode off on the right foot.
2. "I don't give a f--- about Georgia. If you haven't figured it out already, I don't give a f--- about Georgia, LSU, Arkansas, Northeast Oklahoma. I care about people."
I pledged a fraternity in college and if you couldn't provide a Brother's full name when asked then, well, let's just say it wasn't pleasant. I wouldn't want to be put in the same situation as an NFL rookie on national television. O'Brien's message was simple: get to know your teammates.
3. "I'm gonna talk to Jay (Gruden) about maybe some music. I don't even know if they have speakers or anything like that. But maybe we can jack some music up. Some country. Some Rick Ross. I f----- love Rick Ross, man."
Because who doesn't f------ love them some Rick Ross, man?
Best J.J. Watt Moments
Superstar J.J. Watt gets his own category because I'm fairly certain he's actually a bionic cyborg created in the same lab where Ivan Drago trained.
1. Watt finished his official practice and then worked on the blocking sleds and dummies and jugs machine until nearly 9 p.m., which is well after sunset. That's why he's the best defensive player in the league. That's also why he's not human. Love the commitment and work ethic. He truly is the heart and soul of the Texans.
2. After a long day at work and a blood-pumping exercise, I barely have the energy to reach for the remote control while watching television. Seriously, I sat through an entire episode of Ryan Seacrest's dreadful "Knock Knock" the other day because I was too lazy to change the channel. Yet Watt stayed for more than an hour signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. This guy is the man.
3. That time he lifted a 1,000 pound tire 65 times in a day. Cause, you know, normal people do that and what not.
Bonus: That offsides penalty and ensuing lap around the field in which every fan in attendance cheered like crazy. Only J.J. Watt is applauded for his mistakes. Life must be pretty, pretty good for that guy.
Best Montage
There aren't enough YouTube clips up from last night's episode, so instead I'm just going to share these awesome movie montages and you're going to sit there and like it.
1.
Rocky ends the Cold War!
2.
Cobra Kai dojo didn't know what hit 'em.
3.
"Always fade out in a montage..."
Worst Injuries
1. Arian Foster suffered a serious groin injury (which we knew about going into the premiere). He's expected to miss "significant time" as a result. That's a big blow for the Texans (obviously). Backup Alfred Blue failed to impress in limited playing time last year, averaging just 3.1 yards-per-carry. Uh-Oh.
2. We should have known something bad was going to happen to someone when the camera glossed over a stack of "Game of Thrones" books early in the episode. Naturally, promising rookie linebacker Reshard Cliett tore his ACL, prompting a remorseful O'Brien to say that he "like[d] this kid," especially his athleticism. George R. R. Martin claims another victim.
Breakout Candidates
1. DeAndre Hopkins is set to replace future Hall of Famer Andre Johnson as Houston's No. 1 wide receiver. It's not as if Hopkins hasn't already shown what he can do in the NFL (76 catches for 1,210 yards last season), but this is the first time he'll be consistently treated as a true No. 1 weapon by opposing defenses. Let's see what the kid is made of.
2. Brian Hoyer is expected to be the starter come Week 1. Although no one expects him to "breakout" like Drew Brees did with New Orleans, it would be extremely helpful if he could bring a steady hand to Houston's QB position. He had stretches of competent play in Cleveland last year.
3. Ryan Mallett is "neck and neck" with Hoyer at the moment, according to O'Brien. It's doubtful that Mallett is ever going to be anything other than a backup. But if he could be even an average starter this year than that would be a pleasant surprise and that kind of qualifies as a "breakout," right?
Best Moments
1.When the Texans and the Washington Redskins got into an all-out brawl on the last day of joint practices. There's something about football fights that is just innately entertaining (as long as no one is seriously injured). Both teams were eager to hit someone. We'll have to see if that feisty energy carries over into the regular season.
2. We get a quick view of the Patriots' ring ceremony earlier this summer. Tom Brady appears, wearing all four of his Super Bowl rings and looking like the wealthy jerk in a teen high school movie. It was amusing given the drama that is surrounding him at the moment.
3. Because you have to show love to a 350-pound man knocking down 3-pointers.
Check back next week for another edition of "Hard Knocks" Power Rankings.
