High expectations in a marriage can have different effects depending on the strength of the union.
A recent study led by Florida State University found that lofty standards - whether in terms of support, independence or caring - increase satisfaction in strong marriages, but have the opposite effect in marriages in which there are higher levels of unvoiced hostility or other severe problems.
"Some people demand too much from their marriages because they are requiring that their marriages fulfill needs that they are not capable of achieving either because they have limited time, energy, effort or skills to apply to their marriages," said Florida State psychology professorJames McNulty, the study author.
On the other hand, some people ask too little from their marriages and get less personal fulfillment from them than they could potentially achieve, McNulty noted.
The bottom line is that spouses seem to benefit from asking as much from marriages as their marriages are able to give them. If they achieve that seemingly curious balance, all goes well.
The study analyzed data from 135 newlywed couples who all lived in eastern Tennessee. Each partner completed separate surveys to show their own standards along with the level of problems and satisfaction in the marriage.
Marital discussions of the newly married couples were also video-recorded, and researchers looked at their verbal communication to measure levels of indirect hostility. Every six months for four years, the couple filled out questionnaires detailing their marital satisfaction.
"When it comes to verbal problem-solving, indirect hostility is more destructive than direct hostility," McNulty said. "Prior work by our lab and others indicates that direct hostility, such as blaming the partner for a problem and demanding that the partner change, can have important benefits to some couples, specifically those who need to change. The key is that direct hostility communicates that there is a need for change and even how each partner wants things to change. Our prior research indicates indirect hostility is harmful for all couples."
Couples showing only small levels of indirect hostility were more able to reach to higher standards. As a result, they felt higher satisfaction with those standards - but if they held lower standards, they felt lower levels of satisfaction as a result.
On the other hand, if couples did not work well together, they were unable to meet any high standards they might have, but were definitely able to extend themselves to any low standards.
"This research suggests people need to have some idea of what they can get from marriage before they get it," McNulty said. "That is obviously difficult, which may explain why couples experience a mismatch between what they demand and what they can actually attain."
The results will be published in the April issue of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
Follow Catherine Arnold on Twitter at @TreesWhales.
