Well, that was fast. Just like your senior year of high school, the first round of the 2016 NFL Draft took about three years to get here and then was over in the blink of an eye. It was boring early, exciting late, and in the end there were probably just as many no-brainer moves as there were shocking selections. The Rams and Eagles got us started with a couple of quarterbacks who, just like the kid that got hair in all the funny places in middle school, may be the next big thing (besides Tide detergent because Tide detergent is freaking awesome, according to some ads I may or may not have seen last night), but are much more likely to be the next Joey Harrington or Tim Couch, meaning they'll stay the same height and weight even as they're attacked by hormones and acne, while all around them other kids grow into their bodies and start to make them look like the hairy little weirdos they really were all along.
After the first two picks Thursday, though, things started to get interesting. And just like those annoying high school yearbook do-gooders, we're here to hand out NFL Draft 2016 first round superlatives so fans know what to look for from their teams' acne-scarred, college-bound teen, er, draft pick, in the coming years...
Most Likely To Be Talked About Endlessly Despite Not Playing - Carson Wentz, Eagles
If everything goes to plan - and that's a big "if" after Sam Bradford's crybaby routine - Wentz won't see the field at any point in 2016. Doesn't matter.
Eagles fans will agonize over every snap of every game, defense included, unless and until Wentz is the guy under center. Really, even if Bradford does return and take the helm of the Eagle offense, every bad pass, every shaky handoff is going to result in a chorus of "Start Wentz!"
Huh. Maybe Tom Condon was right after all.
Nah. He wasn't.
Most Likely To Fall Short Of Their Draft Day Look With Off-Field Issues - Joey Bosa, Chargers
Bosa, the man with the mop, apparently decided to go all marine on us ahead of the draft. Seriously, did anyone else notice this? Why are we not discussing Bosa's haircut? What's wrong with you, NFL punditry?
Bosa earned a rep as a bit of a wild man during his days at Ohio State. From the reports of his partying to his early-season suspension last year, the mane made sense. It was a symbol of his hard-charging, chest-beating style.
But suddenly, it was gone.
Bosa isn't fooling anybody, though. That guy's going to be out and about in L.A., and I'll bet the hair's back before we know it.
Most Likely To Destroy In Year One, Even As His Team Loses - Ezekiel Elliott, Cowboys
The Cowboys now have four running backs on their roster after expending the fourth overall pick on Elliott. Elliott, far and away the best running back in the entire 2016 NFL Draft, is easily the best of that bunch as well. Alfred Morris doesn't scare defenses, and Darren McFadden, despite a strong 2015 with plenty of 100-yard games, is a limited athlete at this point.
Running behind the vaunted Cowboys offensive line, Elliott's likely in line for a big season. But the Cowboys' defense is still missing some key pieces at pass rusher and corner, and Tony Romo's still 36 and will be coming off major surgery.
Elliott will shine in 2016, but the Cowboys won't.
Most Likely To Be Blamed By Fans For Poor Performance, Even As His QB Plays Mediocre - Laquon Treadwell, Vikings
Fourteen touchdowns and nine interceptions. Is that a Pro Bowl-worthy stat line, especially when playing in a run-first offense centered on perhaps the greatest running back of the current NFL generation, Adrian Pederson?
Spoiler alert: It's not.
And yet, Minnesota Vikings fans love them some Teddy Bridgewater. Now, the failures of a guy like Cordarrelle Patterson are entirely his own, and Adam Thielen and Charles Johnson haven't developed as hoped or expected. But fans and pundits consistently point to Bridgewater's underdeveloped weapons as an excuse for why his production is limited. and it's almost time to start wondering why it's not the other way around.
With Treadwell added to last year's surprisingly effective fifth-round pick, Stefon Diggs, Bridgewater doesn't have any such excuses going forward. Treadwell will play early and play well, but he won't produce as Bridgewater continues to provide mediocre quarterback play.
Most Likely To Be Forgotten By Most Fans, Despite Putting Together Hall Of Fame-Worthy Career - DeForest Buckner, Niners
Buckner was an exciting prospect due to his size and athleticism. He'll quickly be forgotten by the average NFL fan because of the position he plays. Buckner is set to slot in at the non-descript five-technique defensive end position in Chip Kelly's favored 3-4 defensive scheme, where his duty is mostly to keep the guys behind him free to make plays on the ball.
And while Buckner has the talent to play the position like J.J. Watt or Fletcher Cox, it's more likely he ends up a capable, but mostly unseen contributor, a la former Niner Justin Smith.
Most Likely To Be Discussed Constantly By A Pissed-Off Fanbase - Joshua Garnett, Niners
Of all the surprises on draft night, Garnett's selection by the Niners, who traded back up into the latter portion of the first round to grab the Stanford guard, may have been the biggest. And not just because the Niners chose not to go for a quarterback as many expected them to.
Gannett wasn't rated that highly by most, which doesn't really matter. If he comes in and produces fans will quickly forget that he was a high pick the Niners had to forfeit extra draft ammo to nab. But he's a guard with suspect pass-blocking skills.
If he struggles or fails to lock down one of the Niners' guard spots for the next decade, expect this one to get plenty of criticism.
Most Likely To Be Compared (Unfavorably) To The Guys His Team "Could" Have Had - Eli Apple, Giants
The Giants landed a solid cover corner in Ohio State's Eli Apple. But it seems he wasn't their first choice. Plenty of reports, pre- and post-draft, suggested they wanted Leonard Floyd and/or Jack Conklin. But trade-ups by the Bears and Titans robbed New York of the chance to take either player.
Apple's a talented guy, and there's every possibility he'll be what Prince Amukamura never was, but if he's anything less than stellar, he'll forever be remembered as the pick (outgoing) GM Jerry Reese made instead of much-needed pass rush or offensive line help.
Most Likely To Be Forever Hated By One Fanbase - William Jackson III, Bengals
This one isn't because of anything Jackson did. He's a big, talented corner who should do well in press-man against the AFC North's passing offenses.
But the Pittsburgh Steelers loved him. Like, loved him, loved him. And were apparently pretty excited as he continued to fall down the board. But then the Bengals swooped in and, despite not really needing another top corner, broke his fall.
Steelers fans will probably harbor plenty of anger toward Jackson and the Bengals (not that they need another reason to hate the Bengals after Vontaze Burfict went all WWE on Le'Veon Bell) for the next few years.
