Valerie Bertinelli got emotional on Thursday after watching the Paramount Plus "Behind the Music" episode about Wolfgang Van Halen, her son with late rocker Eddie Van Halen.
"I was finally able to watch Wolfie's 'Behind the Music'. It was not easy," she said in a video posted on Instagram.
"I stopped it many times because it was just too brutal to watch for many reasons. One, seeing Wolfie's pain. Two, seeing what a better job I could have done as a parent even though he turned out magnificently. I made a lot of mistakes," she added.
Wolfgang's episode of "Behind the Music" followed his relationship with his father, including the elder Van Halen's use of drugs and alcohol.
"And three, seeing what I had turned of Ed's and my relationship into some sort of fantasy, soulmate recreation of history," Bertinelli said.
The Golden Globe-winning actress said that she and Eddie Van Halen were in love when they were young, but their relationship "rapidly declined" due to his drinking, drug use and infidelity.
There was "nothing that makes you feel loved and wanted and cared for" in that situation, she added — "nothing that would scream soulmate, that's for sure,."
Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen met in 1980 and were married in 1981 when she was 21 and he was 26. They separated in 2001 and finalized their divorce in 2007. He died in 2020 of throat cancer at age 65.
"After Ed died, I was more than willing to put myself in the grieving widow category for a man that I hadn't lived with for 20 years," she said. "What we had together was this beautiful son that we both unconditionally loved."
Despite their difficulties, Bertinelli and Van Halen were on friendly terms before his death, and they each attended the other's second wedding.
"What I got out of that marriage was Wolfie, the best thing that ever happened to me," Bertinelli said. "Not a soulmate."
Bertinelli's son, now 33, characterized the making of his "Behind the Music" episode as "cathartic."
"I had the honor of being asked to tell my story on 'Behind The Music.' It was difficult, but also incredibly cathartic [by] being able to reflect on my experiences, the incredible people I'm blessed to have in my life and most importantly, my bond with my father," he wrote Thursday on X. "I don't normally talk so openly about things, so this was new for me."
--with reporting by TMX
