Is driving while under the influence funny? Absolutely not. Is it a serious issue that demands mature attention? 100 percent. Am I still going to crack jokes about it? You know it.
Welcome to the NFL's All-DUI team. It's a real dishonor to be selected for this squad, one that requires poor decision making and an unparalleled level of carelessness. So who made the cut?
QB: Donovan McNabb
The former NFL quarterback was McNabbed (see what I did there?) for a DUI in 2013. He served all of one day in jail for his offense. While police couldn't be reached for a statement, it is widely believed that they let him out because they were tired of his constant complaining and thinly veiled insults. Based on his playing and broadcasting career, that sounds about right.
RB: Marshawn Lynch
Lynch is a physical menace for opposing defenders. He crashes into would-be tacklers like it's nothing. Apparently, he also treats other drivers on the road in much the same way. Lynch was arrested in July of 2012 for weaving in between lanes and nearly colliding with several cars. He ultimately pleaded guilty to a lesser charge to get out of serious trouble; from Beast Most to Released Mode.
RB: Knowshon Moreno
Knowshon, Knowshon, Knowshon. You're better than this, my man.
In 2012, Morenno was pulled over for driving 75 MPH in a construction zone that had a speed limit of 45 MPH. Moreno was clearly intoxicated and booked on DUI immediately. To make the whole scenario ironically hilarious, his Bentley convertible had a customized license plated that read "SAUCED." That's just too easy, buddy.
WR: Josh Gordon
You guys like stats right? Well, here are Gordon's: two suspension while at Baylor University (one of which was for a failed drug test), one failed drug test after transferring to Utah, two game suspension from the NFL last season for a failed drug test and a DUI this summer. He has more rules violations under his belt than the Internet has LeBron hairline jokes.
WR: Justin Blackmon
Justin Blackmon has been arrested for two DUIs and is essentially out of the league after failing multiple drug tests. It's sad that the only thing greater than his impressive NFL numbers was his blood alcohol content. HEY-OH.
WR: Darrius Heyward-Bey
Heyward-Bey was busted for DUI back in April of 2012. Apparently, he was weaving in and out of his lane and speeding while driving his new Range Rover. Heyward-Bey was pulled over and immediately failed a field sobriety test just like he failed to live up to expectations in the NFL. Ba-Zinga.
DT: Nick Fairley
Fairley's play on the field may be impressive but his decision making off of it is downright laughable. The former 13th overall pick attempted to evade police while driving under the influence in 2012 (seriously, what is it about 2012 and DUIs?). His evasive maneuvers stemmed from a desire not to get arrested for the second time in as many months. Unsurprisingly, his escape attempt failed.
DE: Aldon Smith
Aldon Smith has been arrested twice for DUIs. He's also gotten himself in trouble for possession of marijuana and making a bomb threat joke at LAX airport. Now I'm starting to see why San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh wants out so badly.
S: Brandon Meriweather
Meriweather was pulled over for speeding and erratic driving a couple years back (yes, it was 2012). Cops gave him a field sobriety test, which he failed, after smelling alcohol on his breath. Meriweather is well known for being one of the most penalized defensive players in the league for his illegal hits. Now he can add all-around illegal activity to his resume.
