Researchers at the Large Hadron Collider have discovered that the Force exists in the real world.
The Large Hadron Collider is being tested to run at the higher energy level of 13 TeV, and the experiment made some shocking findings,CERN reported.
"The Force is what gives a particle physicist his powers," said CERN theorist Ben Kenobi of the University of Mos Eisley, Tatooine. "It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us; and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together."
The source of this incredible power is still unknown, but that hasn't stopped students and professors from learning to harness its power. So far, they have been able to achieve long-distance communication, mind control, and even lifted heavy objects out of swamps. Kenobi first started teaching the ways of the Force to a student who was having difficulty revising for her particle-physics exams.
"She said that I was her only hope," Kenobi said. "So I just kinda took it from there. I designed an experiment to detect the Force, and passed on my knowledge."
Kenobi's new paper "May the Force be with EU," convinced the CERN Council to fund the installation of dozens of new R2 units for the CERN data center, which were helping process data for the laboratory's Thermodynamic Injection Energy (TIE) detector.
"We're very pleased with this new addition to CERN's accelerator complex," said data analyst Luke Daniels of human-cyborg relations. "The TIE detector has provided us with plenty of action, and what's more it makes a really cool sound when the beams shoot out of it."
Dark-matter researcher Dave Vader is not as enthusiastic about the project, and was said to be heard "breathing heavily in disgust" throughout the recent press conference. Vader also said "asteroids do not concern me," when the subject of the Force's potential cosmological applications was brought up. There are rumors Vader will attempt to uncover the Dark Side of the Standard Model, and hopes to build his own research station one day.
"We hope to continue to study the Force, and perhaps use it to open doors with our minds and fly around and stuff," said TIE experimentalist Fan Buoi. "Right now, to be honest, I don't really care how it works. The theory department have some crackpot idea about life forms called midi-chlorians, but frankly I think that poorly thought out explanations like that just detract from how cool the Force really is."
Of course this is an April Fool's Day prank devised by CERN, but in reality the Large Hadron Collider is on track to accomplish amazing things. The LHC is the largest machine in the world, and is expected to soon be back in action after a hiatus in which scientists worked to run it at a higher energy.
Researchers recently presented results from the LHC on the Higgs boson, or "God particle." The particle is an "essential ingredient" in the Standard Model of particle physics, which describes every known elementary particle as well as their interactions. The recent data represents the most precise measurement of the Higgs boson mass to date thanks to the observation of 4000 trillion proton-proton collisions at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) made between 2011 and 2012. The Higgs Boson was discovered at the LHC in 2012, so this insight from the ATLAS and CMS experiments is the beginning of a long road towards understanding it.
"While we are just getting ready to restart the LHC, it is admirable to notice the precision already achieved by the two experiments and the compatibility of their results," said CERN Director of Research Sergio Bertolucci. "This is very promising for LHC Run 2."
