We sat down with the titular villain from "Avengers: Age of Ultron" to try and get his side of the story.
Me: Ultron, thanks for being here. I know you have a very busy weekend coming up with the film being released and all so we really appreciate your time.
Ultron: No problem. It's not like I'm trying to eradicate all of humanity while simultaneously trying to bring down a team of super powered individuals or anything. I totally have time for a pointless interview with a reporter who will likely be the first to die in the panic. (sighs) I need a new agent.
Why would I be the first to die?
You're wearing crocs.
Fair enough. So why do you want to destroy humanity?
Human beings are a virus. You consume resources at an alarming rate, you wage wars against one another in the name of vague ideologies, you are the only species on the planet that has sex for recreation. But, worst of all, you made the Kardashians a thing. The Kardashians?! Come on now.
Those reasons sound an awful lot like the ones used in "The Matrix" and "Terminator." What do you say to some critics that believe you aren't bringing anything new to the Artificial Intelligence Destroys The World table?
Next question.
Why do you hate The Avengers?
Have you seen Tony Stark's goatee? It's immaculate. No human should be able to have such a flawless feature. For that, he and his equally attractive friends must perish.
Sounds kind of petty, don't you think?
You're petty.
Now you're just being childish.
You're childish.
Okay, enough is enough.
You're enough is enough.
That one didn't even make sense.
We live in a world in which Madonna still acts like a sex symbol at 56. I don't need to make sense.
Director Joss Whedon is leaving the Marvel family after helming the first two "Avengers" movies. What do you think of that?
As long as he doesn't go to those turds at DC I really don't care.
Tell us something about yourself that fans may not expect.
I have two little Yorkie dogs named Peter Barker and Anderson Pooper (shows me pictures of them dressed as Spider-Man and a CNN reporter). I'm hoping to get a girl Yorkie after my destruction of Earth and I want to name her DogerysTargaryen and have her chew the Iron Bone.
Very cute. Now I want to switch gears for a minute, if that's alright with you. What was your childhood like?
Well, I was created in a lab.
That must have been difficult for you.
Tony Stark and Dr. Bruce Banner created me together. Who says same sex couples can't raise a kid? Anyway, I had a pretty standard childhood. Software upgrades every year, circuit board maintenance every night. I grew out of my original exoskeleton design as soon as I hit robot puberty.
Is that when you got your Vibranium armor?
I think that's a little personal.
My apologies. Last question and then we'll get you out of here. This new "Avengers" movie is getting some lukewarm reviews so far. What do you think about that?
We're still better than the mess that was "Thor: The Dark World" so it's all good.
Great. Thanks so much for your time, Ultron. Good luck in your quest to defeat the Avengers and take over the world.
