Welcome back to the weekly "Hard Knocks" Power Rankings. We had a lot of fun here last week and though the second episode didn't pack as much of a punch (read: not enough J.J. Watt) there were still some good moments to discuss.
Shall we dive in?
Best Intros
"Hard Knocks," like every other show in existence, has an opening credits sequence. Watching it last night, it got me wondering what are the best TV intros/theme songs of all time (in my opinion because it's my column). Here's what I came up with.
3.
Soulful, optimistic, upbeat. If this came on in the club you bet I'm going to break it down on the dance floor.
2.
That piano. That chorus. All that drinking. It's perfection.
1.
If you don't know every single word to this theme song than we probably aren't friends in real life.
Best F-Bombs
Texans head coach Bill O'Brien was back at it again this week, liberally using that oh-so-fun four letter word for inspiration. But which of his F-Bombs resonated the most?
3. "Look in the mirror and let's f------ go!"
O'Brien opened the episode with this bad boy and, I'm not going to lie, it got me fired up. Not only is he a good coach, but he's also a good motivator. This is a big reason why the Texans are better suited for "Hard Knocks" than the monotonous Mike Smith and the Atlanta Falcons last year.
2. "I don't give a f--- what you know...I want to know what these f------ know."
O'Brien and the coaching staff played the quiet game during one practice and left it to the players to figure out their assignments after the play call. Great strategy to measure their progress and see how they do without a safety net. If I walked into work one day and the bosses didn't say a word to me, I'd be in trouble.
1. "Rick Ross...WHOOOOOO!"
Not an F-Bomb, I know. But anytime a 45-year-old white guy screams that at the top of his lungs, you have to show some love, right? *Plays "Everyday I'm Hustling"*
Best Brian Cushing Comparisons
Linebacker Brian Cushing has spent the first two episodes of "Hard Knocks" doing his best impression of a snobby bad guy in a teen high school movie. Exhibit A:
DeAndre Hopkins: "Do you drink lattes?"
Cushing: "I don't even go to Starbucks."
Hopkins: "It's great."
Cushing: "I mean, I used to...Then I realized I wasn't a chick."
Cool line, bro. You must be the man. Oh wait, you already made that clear while talking to Jadeveon Clowney after getting into a tussle with backup running back Alfred Blue. Exhibit B:
Cushing: "First of all, you're not going to block me. Second of all, you don't want to fight me. Third of all...I'm the man."
Isn't this the same guy who was suspended four games in 2010 for taking P.E.D.s? Isn't this the same guy who hasn't played a full 16 game schedule since 2011? Way to be "the man."
Here's the cliché villains Cushing reminds me of.
3. Johnny Lawrence, "The Karate Kid"
Cushing spent the majority of this episode metaphorically trying to "sweep the leg" of every person he came across. Then HBO made a half-hearted attempt to make him seem human by showcasing his family. I'm not buying it. This guy is a stone-cold Cobra Kai dojo killer.
2. Shooter McGavin, "Happy Gilmore"
Are we 100 percent sure Shooter McGavin isn't Cushing's Dad or something? The air of superiority around them both is strikingly similar.
1. O'Doyle, "Bill Madison"
Doesn't matter which O'Doyle you choose, they all fit. You know Cushing was doling out wedgies to the chess club all day back in high school.
Best Quotes
3. "He looks like a wall"
I can't remember who said it, but they were talking about J.J. Watt. Dude does indeed resemble a wall. One could say he has wall-like properties. That's a compliment of the highest order for a defensive lineman.
2. "Lot of miles on these feet" - Vince Wilfork
I liked this quote just because it reminded me of Danny Glover's "I'm getting too old for this s---" in "Lethal Weapon" and anytime you're reminded of "Lethal Weapon" it's a good thing.
1. "I wouldn't judge you, I'd just delete your number."
DeAndre Hopkins asked his teammates if they would think less of him if he brought a little Yorkie dog in a man purse to the club. This was the response. Top notch.
Most Depressing QB Battles
Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett are competing for the starting quarterback job this preseason. The former lost his job to Johnny Manziel last year and the latter attempted all of four passes before the 2014 season. Yeesh, not exactly inspiring a ton of confidence. What are some other depressing QB battles in recent memory?
3. Austin Davis vs. Shaun Hill - St. Louis Rams
It's like going to McDonalds when you're on a diet. It doesn't matter what you get, you know it's bad for you.
2. Matt Cassel vs. EJ Manuel vs. Tyron Taylor - Buffalo Bills
This group of heralded signal-callers sport a combined average passer-rating of 68.6 for their careers. If you thought newly signed linebacker IK Enemkpali had a problem with Geno Smith's poor play than, boy, are you in for a treat now.
1. Josh McCown vs. Johnny Manziel - Cleveland Browns
Conversation that likely took place behind closed doors as Browns camp
HC Mike Pettine: "So McCown and Manziel. Who we going with?"
OC John DeFilippo: "Well, McCown went 1-10 as a starter last year and was benched by the team that picked first overall. And Manziel's QBR of 8.0 last season was actually lower than my body fat. Sooo...."
Pettine: "We're f-----."
Random Thoughts
- Put shopping for baby clothes on the list of Things Players Only Do When They're Being Filmed.
- Loved the conversation about breakfast between Watt and Wilfork, two grown men who weigh upwards of 600 pounds combined. Everyone loves themselves a good breakfast.
- Crossing my fingers for Jadeveon Clowney. No one likes to see a former No. 1 overall pick fail to live up to expectations. But the pure mouth salivating goodness of a defensive line that features Clowney, Wilfork and Watt is enough to make me root for this guy. Bring the noise, gentlemen.
- Cornerback Charles James engaged in the most in depth discussion about socks last night that I have ever heard. Bravo.
- Bill O'Brien's seminar with the younger players on how to handle the media? Pure Belichickian.
- No amount of slow motion or dramatic music can make Brian Hoyer look cool.
