Every breakup is hard, including the ones you have to make with a family member. It's not easy to cut off someone from your life when your ties with them are rooted in childhood. You share a lot of memories that make up who you are. However, breaking up with a relative can be the best thing you can do for yourself and here are why it's a good decision.
1. There's abuse.
Verbal and emotional abuse must never be tolerated in any relationship, including the ones where you're related by blood. Don't let the guilt affect your decision of cutting them off when your safety and well-being is more crucial.
"Of course, relationships are rarely all good or bad; even the most abusive parents can sometimes be loving, which is why severing a bond should be a tough, and rare, decision," wrote psychologist Richard Friedman in The New York Times, whose depressed patient dealt with an abusive parent and experienced prolonged trauma.
2. The interaction is mostly ugly.
If your only contact with a relative only brings you down with the constant criticisms and nitpicking, or when your weekend coffee meet-ups end up in an argument about the most mundane things, it might be time to distance yourself.
3. The toxic relationship is so stressful, it's affecting how you function in work or life.
If you find yourself being on the defensive side all the time and the constant negativity is affecting other aspects of your life, stop and examine your relationship with your relatives. You don't owe them any explanation for your choices - the way you live, your priorities or your appearance is all up to you, according to The Bounded Spirit.
4. Your only relationship is about money.
It is one thing to help out. Maybe a cousin is hard-up and won't be able to pay for her child's school needs this semester. But if she's constantly borrowing money to bring her child to Disneyland, or to buy the latest toy for Junior, then it's a different matter altogether. If this is the only type of relationship you have with your cousin and her kids, it's time to cut ties.
Also read: Loans, Friendship: Best Ways To Lend Money Without Ruining Your Friendship
Now that you know when it is time to cut a family member out of your life justifiably, you should know the best way to actually do it, without causing even more damage or creating more problems.
What you can do:
1. Address your relatives personally.
Maybe the talk will change things, but maybe it will be the last time you'll speak to each other. "Even if you never want to see her again in that moment, you need to talk it out," said family therapist Karen Gail Lewis via Woman's Day. "Make sure you have tried everything before you let go, even counseling."
2. Write a letter.
If you think that a talk can lead to an ugly confrontation, then it's better to say it in writing. "Letters or emails are powerful because you can't be interrupted or disagreed with," said family expert Susan Forward, also on Woman's Day. Don't expect any replies, though. The point of sending the letter is to say your piece.
3. Deal with other relatives or the collateral damage.
Don't be swayed by the guilt trip, which can happen with other family members.
4. Set boundaries.
If necessary, set boundaries and limits with the rest of the family and keep it cordial.
"To avoid sticky situations, let your family members know it's okay to invite both of you to events. It's not fair to make them choose. If you don't think you can handle being in the other person's presence, it should be you who doesn't attend since you were the one to do the breaking up," according to author and family therapist Jayme Waxman, via Yahoo.
