Pop star Kesha got brutally honest with her fans in an essay on eating disorders, body issues and unrealistic pressures in the music industry for Elle UK. The 27-year-old "Blow" singer took a break from her career and checked herself into rehab earlier this year.
For the first time, Kesha revealed what her two-month stint was like and why she had finally decided to seek help. The singer confirmed that she was battling an eating disorder but said she feared that people would wonder if she was really seeking treatment for something else.
"That first day at the treatment centre was the scariest of my life.... I worried what people would think. I was battling an eating disorder - but I knew people would assume I was here for other things," Kesha wrote in the essay.
"Sure, I've written songs about partying, but my dirty little secret is that I'm actually incredibly responsible. I take my music and career very seriously, and certainly didn't land in this situation from partying," she continued. "But I was cut off from the outside world and I imagined people making up stories at a time when what I really needed was support."
Kesha explained that she had just returned from a huge world tour when she realized something was wrong. The "Tik-Tok" singer said she knew she was exhausted from being on the road so much, but started to realize that her exhaustion was not going away, even weeks later. Kesha said there were times when she didn't even have enough energy to get out of bed.
"My body was shutting down, and I knew why," the pop star wrote. "I've always tried to be a crusader for loving yourself, but I'd been finding it harder and harder to do personally. I felt like part of my job was to be skinny as possible, and to make that happen, I just wasn't giving [my body] the energy it needed to keep me healthy and strong."
It got to the point where Kesha said she knew she had to take a break from her music career and get help. She explained that early on music became an escape for her; Kesha said she was bullied in middle school and high school.
Eventually she signed her first contract with a record label in 2005 at 18-years-old, but still felt like an outcast, like she didn't belong.
"So I stood up for myself the only way I knew how: through my music, writing songs like 'We R Who We R,' 'Warrior,' and 'Love into The Light.' At some point, though, those words didn't ring true to me anymore," Kesha wrote. "I felt like a lair, telling people to love themselves as they are, while I was being hateful to myself and really hurting my body."
Eventually, the pop star called her mom, Pebe Sebert, and asked for help. After two months of therapy, Kesha said she knew she was ready to leave.
"I knew I was ready to leave when I'd gained enough confidence to get on a plane knowing there would be paparazzi at the airport at the other end. I was right - they were there. But this time, when I saw the pictures, I felt ok," she wrote.
To read Keshas's full essay for Elle UK, click here.
