Welcome back to the third edition of "Hard Knocks" Power Rankings where we take a look at some of the best moments from last night's episode. Three weeks in and it's evidently clear that the Houston Texans are a much more interesting bunch than last year's Atlanta Falcons. Former Falcons head coach Mike Smith had the personality of a ball of cotton and quarterback Matt Ryan wasn't far behind. Lucky for us, they've been replaced with the fiery Bill O'Brien and J.J. Watt.
Speaking of which, Watt got the episode off to a great start which brings us to our first category.
Best F-Bombs
3. "Off the field, we're some good a-dudes. We're nice guys. But when we step on the field, we are the baddest f------ dudes on the planet!" - J.J. Watt
Ahh, nothing like a profanity laced motivational speech to get the blood pumping. Through the first two episodes I have mentioned multiple times how much of The Man J.J. Watt is. I'm not sure if his teammates actually like him, but they definitely respect him. It's hard not to. It's also hard to disagree with a 290 pound tank of a human being screaming in your face. After football, Watt has a potential career as the hazing commanding officer in military movies.
2. "He's shifty as f---"
I don't remember exactly who said this, but they were talking about rookie cornerback Charles James, who took some practice snaps at running back. Whenever you're *blank* as f--- at something, it's a good sign. Derek Jeter is cool as f---. LeBron James is dominant as f---. Charles James? Shifty as f---. Nice.
1. "Bring the f----- offense over here!" - Bill O'Brien
This particular F-bomb held more weight for two reasons. One: O'Brien significantly cut down on his cursing this week. Maybe he caught flak from the wife for his liberal use of the word. I don't know. But the reduced cussing made this line stand out. Two: It's kind of unintentionally hilarious. O'Brien sounds like a pissed off Dad about to come down on his kids for playing in his office. "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed."
Best Moments
4. Chris Polk and his Mother
Reality television isn't that much different from scripted television. The goal is the same: get the audience to care about these characters. The easiest way to do that is to throw in a loving mother. Running back Chris Polk's mom told an entertaining story of how she'd put on football pads and teach Polk how to hit since his father wasn't around as a child. She's tough and spunky yet nurturing and loving. It was a nice moment. Now I need to go punch a wall to regain my manliness.
3. Brian Cushing throwing up
I compared linebacker Brian Cushing last week to three cheesy movie villains: Johnny Lawrence ("The Karate Kid"), Shooter McGavin ("Happy Gilmore") and O'Doyle ("Billy Madison"). Cushing walks around with an air of undeserved superiority and repeatedly says stupid stuff. Karma didn't like that as Cushing blew massive chunks all over the practice field. Nelson Voice: HA-HA!
2. Rookie Skits
Rookie tight end Khari Lee did a spot-on Bill O'Brien impression that had the team and myself in stiches. The best part about it was that he kept a straight face the entire time.
Rookie Khari Lee does his best Bill O'Brien impression. In front of the entire @HoustonTexans team. Nailed it! https://t.co/ZX2iTo64wm
— NFL (@NFL) August 26, 2015
1. Bill O'Brien is a Frat Star
Bill O'Brien casually practicing his golf swing while deciding to cut someone from the team. TFM.
Best Person
Rookie wide receiver Uzoma "EZ" Nwachukwu is my new favorite person in the entire world because he is adorable. Yes, that's right, a grown man just called another grown man adorable. How can you not with him asking hilarious questions like these when the team visited NASA?
4. "The movie 'Gravity.' Was that realistic?"
If by realistic you mean George Clooney playing himself in Space, then yes, it was realistic.
3. "I really loved Pluto as a planet. What happened there?"
He's got the sweet innocence of a child. Or a puppy. I can't tell which. All I know is that he is awesome and "Hard Knocks" needs more of him.
2. "Is there water on Space?"
That's not a typo. He didn't ask if there was water "in" Space, but "on" Space. How is this guy not a team captain yet?!?!?
1. "Is your food grilled?"
E.Z. asked real live astronauts currently in Space right now if they grilled their food. Apparently, the whole cold-and-dead-vacuum of Space thing is lost on E.Z. and God bless him for it.
Some other stuff happened in this episode. Bill O'Brien named Brian Hoyer his starting quarterback, J.J. Watt blew up several plays in practice because he's J.J. Watt, 2014 No. 1 overall pick Jadeveon Clowney returned to practice for the first time in ten months. But none of those moments could outshine the innate brilliance of E.Z. There better be more of him next week.
